


mine

by silverislander



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ellie Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (The Last of Us), Ellie Needs a Hug (The Last of Us), F/F, Making Up, POV Dina (The Last of Us), POV Ellie (The Last of Us), Post-Canon, Reconciliation, Suicidal Thoughts, can't believe there's no tag for tender but exasperated bandaging of wounds, dina needs a hug too but there's no tag for that for her :(, ellie has learned some psychology and i'm very proud of her, jealous!dina, they're very vague but ellie is not in a good place, this is ao3 dammit!!, this is the same fic that everyone else has written except i'm gonna speedrun it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27651158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverislander/pseuds/silverislander
Summary: "Ultimately, selfishness brought her back to town."ellie returns to jackson after everything and wants to do her best to make things right.
Relationships: Dina & Jesse (The Last Of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Jesse (The Last of Us)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 152





	1. ellie

**Author's Note:**

> song rec for this chapter: the place i left behind by the deep dark woods.

She had been seriously conflicted about coming back at all. Part of her wanted to just hide away forever, to never get closer than the woods outside of Jackson, living alone and miserable for the rest of her life the way she probably deserves. Maybe if she was lucky enough, some rookie patroller would mistake her for a runner and shoot her in the fucking head, let her rest for once.

Ultimately, selfishness brought her back to town.

She didn’t stroll so much as shuffle through the gates. She was smaller now, in more ways than one. Barely eating, down two fingers and without the familiar weight of her mother’s knife, she was a fraction of who she was the last time she’d walked through here five years ago. It felt like she might’ve left parts of herself in the ocean as some kind of pathetic sacrifice. Her childhood, her laughter.

The only thing she was proud of dropping there was that fucking rage she’d carried for so long. There wasn’t use for it anymore. Joel was gone and had been for years. She couldn’t blame him anymore for her anger. The only person to blame had always been her. The problem with that was that now she didn’t know who she was without it. At least she’d once had fire, had  _ something _ , an end goal to cling to- now she didn’t really feel anything.

She’d like to think he’s proud of her for making the right decision, but she didn’t really do that, did she? The right decision would’ve been not leaving her son and girlfriend. The right decision would’ve been leaving Seattle after what she had done to  Nora , or after Dina had told her why she was sick. The right decision would’ve been not going at all. Staying in Jackson, grieving properly in a healthy way, helping the community and not fucking herself over instead and repressing every fucking memory of the man who could’ve been something like her father if she had ever let him near her.

She was trying to fix that. She figured since she’s got a lot of people to apologize to, it’d be easiest to start furthest back, with the ones who can’t respond. Every day, it felt like more came back, like she let in more of him. Learning to swim, to cook, just hanging out. Dumb slasher and superhero movie nights with popcorn and stolen candy and the shit sludge coffee he loved. All the times she’d run to him after a nightmare or panic attack (she knew what they were called now- she’d done her research, stopping into Salt Lake’s university on the way back and stealing some things from their libraries). He would let her cry, fix her a drink if that’s what she wanted.

She remembered every time she hurt him, left him behind. Ignored him. Told him flat out to fuck off.

So far, the good mostly outweighed the bad.

The sun was going to set soon, and she had to make a decision. Would she tuck in for the night, hide away, give in to her cowardice and let Dina find out on her own and come to curse her out, or would she go straight to Dina and give her the chance to tell Ellie she never wants to see her again on a silver platter, get it over with right away, rip off the bandage?

Neither sounded good.

Dina had every right, she reminded herself. Dina had warned her what would happen if she left. She’d agreed to her terms. She’d been a shit person and a terrible partner. A pretty awful mother, too. Her throat always hurt at the thought of her JJ, so tiny and wide-eyed and  _ good _ , crying in the night, knowing she wasn’t able to go to him and soothe him and let Dina sleep.

She wanted that back. She wanted her family back, the one she’d made and found and fought for until fighting wasn’t enough.

Instead of going to Maria to tell her she was back and begging for shelter or hiding away in an abandoned house for the night, she headed straight down the center of town and took a left at the butcher’s. It was a shortcut Jesse had taught her when they were fifteen, and she’d used it to sneak in or out of town hundreds of times over the years. She prayed a silent apology to Jesse before his dead eyes could fill her head again, wide and dry and blank.

She had no proof that Dina’s even here in Jackson, let alone in Jesse’s parents’ house, but something about it made sense. They had practically been parents for the three of them, especially Dina, but everyone loved Dina. After Jesse hadn’t come home, they’d gotten even closer, made visits out to the farm to see their grandson and “their girls” every month or so. If Dina wasn’t living alone, if she was in town, she would probably be here.

The idea of Dina having moved on, living with someone else, came to her mind suddenly and unbidden. She shoved it back with all the force she could manage.

She still knew it was a possibility. It petrified her, but she had left, and if someone else could make Dina happy, then Dina deserved all that came with that- a life away from her past, without Ellie and the pain she always left in her wake. Dina deserved the sun. Ellie would’ve torn herself and the world apart to give it to her.

These were thoughts that made her forgive Joel a little more.

Robin and Jamie’s house was one of the smaller ones in Jackson, but it did have a full backyard, unlike a lot of the others. She’d spent so many nights there in a broken lawn chair, telling Jesse terrible jokes and letting him ramble and getting so very drunk together. Dina had been there too, sometimes, but they’d always liked to joke that it was guys’ night, so she wasn’t allowed in. Dina would always point out that Ellie wasn’t a “guy” either, and they’d look at each other in mock confusion and surprise before offering her a beer and a seat between them.

Now, there was a wooden contraption in the backyard. She was coming up on the side of the house, and she could see it in the sunset light. The swing set didn’t exactly look sturdy, but it wasn’t pre-Outbreak levels of broken. Robin had probably done it, she thought. His construction work was always a little shoddy. Joel would’ve built better, she realized with a pang in her chest.

Perhaps if this went well she could fix it up for him. Joel had taught her how, and he’d said she had a knack for it. She wouldn’t let herself hope yet, though. First, she had to be forgiven.

The lights were on inside. Someone was home. A window on the first floor was open, and the air smelled faintly, even from feet away, of Jamie’s cherry pie. Laughter came from inside, the kind of belly laugh she knew Jesse had inherited from his mother, that she’d heard a million times playing cards and dancing like idiots and daring him to do the dumbest shit because  _ look, Dina’s watching you _ . Turns out she had been watching both of them after all.

This hurt too much and she didn’t know if Dina was even there yet. She hadn’t even made it to the doorstep. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe she’d hide in her old shed and wait a day or five first. She turned in her tracks, not taking more than three steps away before she cursed herself and her cowardice and turned and walked with a new resolve to the porch.

The doorbell had been broken for years. She raised her left hand before putting it slowly down and knocking with her right instead. Starting off on the right foot was important. She wasn’t going to make her injuries the center of attention.

There was a minute or two of terrifying nothingness until she could hear someone inside coming towards the door. She briefly entertained the insane thought of just running away before the door could open, essentially ding-dong-ditching the parents of her best friend who she’d gotten killed, whose child she had left behind. Her stomach hurt. She stood her ground.

The door swung open suddenly, and she watched the man’s face go from casual joy to dazed shock the second he recognized her.

“Ellie?”

“Hi, sir,” she mumbled.

His response was slightly, awkwardly late: “Robin will do.” He scratched his head, staring up at her. “What, uh, what brings you here?”

“I’m looking for Dina?” It wasn’t meant to be a question. Why did she make that sound like a question? Her first conversation with a living human in months, and she was fucking it up royally. She hadn’t even fully met his eyes. She tried to make contact.

Nope, couldn’t do it.

“Come in,” he gestured, opening the door wider.

“Oh, I can wait here-”

“I insist. You look cold. When’s the last time you ate?”

A small part of her wanted to throw her arms around the small man and sob her gratitude for not forgetting about her or hating her, and another small part really, really wanted some of the pie she could now smell fully. She tamped that down, sectioning it off for later. She went inside out of courtesy, following him silently to the empty living room and sitting gently on the old couch.

“She’s in the kitchen with Jamie, I’ll get her.” So she  _ was _ here. Ellie’s stomach really, really hurt now, and her fingers tingled with nervous energy. She started to tap out chords on her knee, stopping when she remembered they didn’t sound the same anymore. She bounced her leg instead.

The kitchen next door went totally silent, and then she could make out urgent, angry-sounding whispers. The room she was in was nearly the same as she remembered it. Same wallpaper, same shelves, same baby pictures with some new, some Jesse and some of her son. As she looked closer, small details of JJ were everywhere. His little train set on the table, baby books on the shelves, tiny socks left on the floor. She bit her lip to keep back tears when she saw a photo she didn’t recognize- JJ propped up on Dina’s shoulders, both grinning. He looked more like her now, she noticed- he had the same sort of freckles across his nose that Ellie remembered on Dina, that she remembered kissing in the summer sun- but he’d always had Jesse’s smile.

The door to the living room opened slowly and quietly, like Robin was afraid of spooking a small animal. Ellie felt sort of like a spooked animal. He didn’t enter, simply holding the door and nodding to someone on the other side.

And then Dina walked through the door, eyes glued to the floor. She looked up suddenly, and god, Ellie had never hated herself more than she did then. Dina was so beautiful, and her eyes were full of shock and sadness and then a pure, blazing anger she’d only seen on Dina once or twice before. Her dark hair was up like it had been in Seattle and she had an old sweater on, and she’d gotten flour on the front and the elbows, and for a millisecond it was like she’d never left. If she didn’t look at those burning eyes, she could almost pretend.

“You came back,” Dina said coolly, crossing her arms and holding her gaze, her face unreadable. Robin closes the door behind her.

“I came back.” Ellie was cowering under her stare. Why did she do this? God, she needed more time before trying to do this. “Can we talk? I mean, is that okay? Because it’s okay if it’s not-”

“Was it worth it?” Oh, god, that question was a trap. There was no good answer here.  _ Yes, Dina, I left you and it was totally worth it, I tried to kill a woman who’d already forgiven me because I couldn’t fucking let it go and I barely know how to be a human being anymore. No, Dina, I left you and our fucking son for nothing because I couldn’t do it in the end, and you were right, and now I’m here to beg for you to take me back like I don’t understand the ways I hurt you. _

“I made it to Santa Barbara,” she started, and Dina scoffed. She stepped a little closer nonetheless, her stare burning into Ellie. “They were there.”

“So you killed her. You got what you wanted.” She didn’t sound impressed. She didn’t sound upset. She kept her voice totally flat.

“No,” Ellie admitted. “I- I couldn’t. It wasn’t- I did the wrong thing.”

“No shit,” Dina interjected.

Ellie was silent, nodding. “I’m not going to pretend like I deserve anything from you, because I really don’t. I could spend my entire life making it up to you and it still would never be close to enough.”

“But?”

She flushed. “I want to apologize, for a start.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Dina exploded. “You’re gonna say  _ sorry _ _?_ That’s why you’re fucking here? It won’t make it better, Ellie. You fucking left. I asked you if we- if  _ I _ was enough to make you stay, and  _ then you fucking left _ . Do you get that? Do you understand how shitty that is?”

“I understand,” she said quietly, voice breaking already.

“Then why the fuck are you in my house?” Her voice was dangerously low.

“You don’t have to forgive me, and I’ll never bother you again if you ask. I’ll fucking leave town if you tell me to.” The idea made her feel cold inside- never another chance to have a home here. Never another chance to see her potato, not even a glance if he passed by. Never another chance with Dina, although she supposed based on the way this conversation was going that that’s gone anyways. “The only thing I’m going to ask is for you to listen. I’ll leave you alone after that, I swear on my life.”

“Your life doesn’t mean very much to you lately, Ellie.” She was right.

“I swear on our son,” Ellie blurted out.

“My son. Not ours.” Dina shook her head. “Nothing’s ours anymore.”

“Okay.” The truth of it stung so bad she could almost feel it like a shrapnel wound in her chest, but she pressed on. She wouldn’t make Dina deal with her tears, too. That would be too much to ask anyone.

“When I left, I was sure I was doing what I had to,” she began. “Within the first three days I started to doubt that.”

“It took you  _ days _ to figure that out? So me sobbing in our kitchen, begging you not to leave didn’t clue you in?” This was not going well.

“No, just- my point is, I realized how bad I fucked up, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and him, and- fuck. I thought this would help. I thought I would finally get closure or whatever. I didn’t, and I was so, so wrong.” The tears were burning her eyes, she had to hold them back, don’t let her cry right now in front of Dina,  _ please _ . “I really did leave for nothing, I think I just needed time to realize that. I should’ve stayed, maybe I could’ve just worked through it alone, or with you if you wanted to help.”

“If I  _ wanted _ to-” Dina whispered, wide-eyed and angry. “You can go through ‘maybe’s for years, Ellie, it still doesn’t mean shit.”

“I know. I just wanted you to know I recognize how much I hurt you and- and if I had the time back, I’d never have done it.” And the first tear slipped down her cheek. Fuck.

Dina was silent for a moment, still staring, until she walked over to Ellie, directly in front of her, close enough to touch, and Ellie’s heart jumped at the momentary possibility of forgiveness in whatever broken form Dina would be willing to give it before she spoke.

“I don’t really care, Ellie.” If she felt bad for crying in front of Dina, she felt like the worst person alive when she saw Dina doing the same. “I don’t care, okay? I’m done with you. You made your choice.”

“Dina, please,” she choked out, wiping at her eyes roughly, and then they were both talking at once.

Dina started to yell about how much it hurt and how  _ you don’t even have to apologize to me because I won’t forgive you, try talking to the  _ baby _ you left behind, _ and Ellie could do nothing but say she’s sorry over and over and over and tell Dina how bad she wants to go back and change everything and give her the love she deserved to have, wants her girl back, and Ellie must have fucked something up when she said that, forgotten who they are now, because that’s when Dina  _ screamed _ at her.

“I’m not  _ your girl! _ ” The house was completely silent except their loud breathing, and Dina was shaking with anger, staring Ellie down. “I’m not even yours,” she spat as she turned to leave. Her voice was broken and rough. Something in Ellie broke with it. “Get the fuck out of here. Stay in town, but if you come anywhere near me or my son I’ll fucking- just get out.”

The door shut and Ellie sat in a moment of shock and grief.

Then it hit her: she’s alone. She felt the terror and dread of it wash over her like the waves in Santa Barbara, like the Seattle rain, like Joel’s blood sprayed across the windows and his face, his fucking  _ face _ is broken and she’s really alone now and it’s her fault, and  _ she’s fucking spiraling again _ and-

She needs a drink.


	2. dina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song rec for this chapter: hello my old heart by the oh hellos.

The second the door to the kitchen closes, Dina slides down it to crumple on the floor, choking back sobs she’s sure Ellie would be able to hear from inside.

Fucking Ellie. She’s really back.

How  _ dare _ she, she thinks. She can’t just do this, can’t leave Dina for almost an entire year and come back practically on her knees saying she’ll be better and asking for forgiveness Dina doesn’t think she has the strength to give.

And yet, something soft inside her reminds her of every night she stayed up praying for Ellie and asking, as if her love could hear her, to come home and just hold her again. All she’d wanted was for Ellie to come back and love her, for one night at least. She’d lost fucking everyone else. Her mother, her sister, countless friends, Jesse. She couldn’t end up alone again, she just couldn’t.

Robin is at her side immediately, helping her up to the kitchen table, where Jamie is waiting. They’ve been so good to her and JJ, never pressuring her to talk but always leaving room to ask. JJ is really happy here. Dina remembers the weeks after she left, the nights he cried until morning for the mother he didn’t have anymore. He wasn’t even a year old. He didn’t understand.

Dina had pretended to him that Ellie had never existed at all. He’d forget her.

He was lucky that way.

Today, she’s sobbing at someone else’s kitchen table with someone else’s arms around her, and still all she wants is Ellie back, even after everything. Not just Ellie, even, but  _ her _ Ellie, the one who helped raise a son that Dina had been terrified she wouldn’t want, who woke her up with the sweetest kisses on their worst days, who learned old love songs just for her and who risked her life for her until she had risked it for nothing. It was so fucking pathetic, really.

She doesn’t tell Jesse’s parents about it. She couldn’t go over that again without breaking down fully.

She heads upstairs to the room she was borrowing instead, the one that used to be  _ his _ . Her mind was filled with her, though; betrayal, anger, shock and far more love and wanting than she would ever admit. She didn’t  _ want _ to love her anymore, but her stupid fucking heart didn’t get the memo, she supposes.

She can’t sleep. Her son sleeps peacefully in the next room, all tired out from his big day of doing nothing but being a baby. He hadn’t woken up, even as Dina had screamed at Ellie right beneath him. Why did she feel bad for doing that? She probably shouldn’t feel bad for that.

After two hours, she’s tired herself out. She’s stopped crying, composed herself a little and wandered around the room picking at things in order to not stop and give a real breakdown room to fester. She checks in on JJ, who smiles and gurgles in his sleep when she kisses his little cheek. She prays and hopes it means something.

And she sneaks out through the window.

She’s done this in reverse, when she was younger, when she was with Jesse. Most times it was him sneaking into her empty house, but there were nights she couldn’t spend alone and she had snuck into his place without warning. He’d let her snuggle into him and never complained, not even jokingly. He had been a great boyfriend and an even better friend.

Sometimes she misses Jesse like a hole in her lung, sucking the air out and feeling like she’ll die. Sometimes it’s just a dull ache like this, like her shoulder where the boy’s arrow hit that acts up sometimes in damp weather.

She doesn’t really have a plan. She ends up in the town square, hands shoved deep into the pockets of her old jacket. People used to stare when she went out at night like this. She knows they still talk. She doesn’t really blame them- a two-time widow is something like a circus freak in as small a town as this. It probably doesn’t help that her last partner had been a woman, or that that woman had been Ellie Williams, Joel’s daughter, the spitfire guitarist who could become someone terrifying outside the walls and came back soft-spoken and covered head to toe in human blood.

It’s an easy decision to head to the bar. Nothing quite like drowning your sorrows in a glass of whiskey or beer or whatever blinding moonshine the boys brewed this week. She slips inside and, for the first time in her life, hides away in a corner booth, intent on talking to nobody.

This was what Ellie used to do, a cruel voice whispers to her, and she can see why. The solitude is a balm, and from here, she can see almost everyone without them noticing her. The town goes about their business like nothing has changed for them when everything has just changed for her. It’s like watching from inside a glass cage as everyone mills about, unaware that she’s even there. People are talking trades, local gossip, patrol routes. She orders a glass and waits for something.

Tommy isn’t here tonight, which is a change for him. Then again, it’s just past midnight and he’s getting old. Alcohol still won’t come before his sleep, however little of it he may get now.

Ellie is here.

She notices her at the bar, no longer hiding in a corner but sitting at the front with whiskey in her hand. That was always her drink of choice, a habit she probably picked up from Joel. Dina remembered the smell of it when she was pinned up against her, the taste on her tongue when she kissed Ellie roughly enough. Her mind spiraled into their nights and the way Ellie’s lips had felt on her neck, her thighs... everywhere else.

Dina felt ashamed at the hungry way she stared at Ellie’s throat when she drank. She had told Ellie she wasn’t hers anymore. She had pushed her away, and it was for her own good.

Because what if she left again? What was stopping her? Loving her certainly hadn't.

Dina wasn’t enough-  _ JJ wasn’t enough _ to make her stay.

Ellie isn’t crying anymore, which is good, because that had just made Dina angry. She didn’t get to cry over something she could’ve fixed or, better yet, stopped before it began. Her eyes were a little red, but nothing that couldn’t have been blamed on lack of sleep. Was she sleeping well? Why does Dina still care?

She’s wearing Dina’s bracelet on the same arm she always has.

A woman Dina doesn’t recognize comes up and sits down next to Ellie at the bar, smiling and staring. Dina feels wary, but holds back. She’s short and honestly quite pretty, with long black hair and wide hazel eyes.

Dina’s drink arrives, and she looks away for a while to drink in peace.

When she looks back, because she can’t seem to tear her gaze away, the woman is laughing with a hand on Ellie’s tattooed arm. Ellie is smiling in that slight way of hers, like she doesn’t quite know what to say.

Dina looks away quickly. Not her business.

She can’t hear them, though. She wonders what they’re talking about.

The woman is all exaggerated smiles and giggles, and she won’t take her fucking hand off of Ellie’s fucking arm. She’s leaning in closer than Ellie lets most friendly people near her. Dina’s grip on her glass tightens.

She should leave. She should let whatever’s happening here happen. Ellie can do whatever she wants.

The idea makes her blood turn to molten steel.

She’s tracing her tattoo with her fingers the way Dina used to as Ellie explains something to her. She nods along.

Ellie looks drunk.

It’d probably be doing her a favour to pry this woman off of her. She wouldn’t want this, and definitely not while she’s drunk. She wouldn’t even sleep with Dina when they’d had too much, promising to make it up to her in the morning. She used to make good on her promises.

The woman whispers something right in Ellie’s ear and Ellie laughs, really laughs. It might be just out of shock, but it looks like she’s really enjoying herself. Dina hopes she’s fucking enjoying herself.

She shouldn’t say anything. She’s had a jealous streak a mile wide ever since they were kids, icing out poor Cat the minute Ellie had told her they were together. Ellie had never seemed to notice that whenever she and Cat had made up, so had she and Jesse. Dina… well, she had never liked to be alone.

The look in the woman’s eyes is unmistakable. Dina slams back the rest of her drink, never breaking contact.

She has no way of knowing what the woman says to Ellie, but her eyes widen and she’s stuttering out some nonresponse. The woman giggles, shaking her head. Then she takes Ellie’s right hand in hers and plays with her fingers, and Dina sees red.

She’s not even drunk- she can’t blame what she’s going to do on alcohol. This is a bad idea.

She goes right up to the two of them.

“Excuse me.” She keeps her words sweet and utterly poisonous, an infinitely useful Southern trick she’d learned young. “What’s going on here?”

Ellie is silent and looks so mortified that she might pass out right there. The woman still does not take her fucking hands off Ellie.

“Just making some friends,” the woman drawls. “Kind of a hot friend, if you ask me.” Oh, she’s drunk for sure. She smiles like she knows exactly what she’s doing, or maybe that’s just Dina’s perception and the way this situation is making her want to commit a crime.

All the same, she  _ shoves _ the woman right off the stool.

Her words rip their way out of her, raw and as loud as she can make them. “Get your  _ fucking _ hands off my wife!”

“What the  _ fuck _ , Dina-”

The woman is on the floor, staring incredulously at her. She doesn’t even bother to say anything, just gets up and all but runs out the door.

Everyone is staring. The bar has gone quiet. “What the fuck are you looking at? Mind your damn business,” Dina barks. Slowly, the bar goes back to its chatter, some patrons still sneaking glances behind in her direction when they think she can’t see.

She takes Ellie’s hand securely in hers without thinking. It feels strange. She looks down and sees- oh, God. Dina stifles a gasp and, before Ellie can protest, tightens her grip and drags Ellie out of the bar.

Ellie is talking all the way. “What the fuck is wrong with you” and “she wasn’t doing anything to you”, and Dina doesn’t care. She is completely silent when she pulls Ellie into the shed behind what used to be Joel’s house and locks the door behind them.

It’s dusty and smells old now. Nobody’s lived here since they left for the farm, and they’d only left the shelves, the bed and the basics they didn’t want to take. Dina stomps into the bathroom and finds the first aid kit they squirrelled away years ago and had figured out (during her labour, no less) that they’d forgotten to take to the farmhouse.

Ellie is still standing and ranting in the middle of the room when she comes back out. Dina cuts her off. “Sit down.” To her surprise, Ellie does, right on the old bare mattress.

Wordlessly, she turns on the lamp on the bedside table and sits next to her. She takes Ellie’s left hand into her own and inspects it.

“What happened here?” she asks quietly.

“Dina, you can’t just do shit like that-”

“Ellie. Tell me what happened.”

“I got bit.” She won’t meet Dina’s eyes.

“By a fucking bear? Why the fuck is half of your hand gone?” There’s just a knuckle left to the last two of her fingers, and the tips are still red and scabby. Ellie’s probably been picking at them, because she always had a bad habit of picking at her wounds. They could get infected like that. Worse still, there’s a very faint scar- a healed bite completely uncovered on the side of her palm. She could’ve gotten herself shot if that woman had caught on.

Ellie sighs. “The bite was from a clicker. The fingers- that was Abby.”

“She bit your fingers off?” By all logic, that should’ve already gotten infected. People’s mouths were dirty, and God knows where Ellie had been sticking her hands on her way back.

“Yeah,” Ellie replies simply. “Hurt like a bitch.” Something about her seems more relaxed, and Dina doesn’t know why. “I cauterized ‘em, though. That probably helped.”

“Cauterized with what?”

“I don’t know, some scrap metal I found,” she mumbles. Dina sighs. She’s so reckless sometimes. She probably did that alone, too, in a moldy old basement somewhere.

She roots through the kit to find what she’s looking for. She pulls out her supplies and sets them on the bed: strips of bandages, rubbing alcohol and some kind of soothing ointment she’d found on patrol once. Ellie looks at her in confusion, but she shoots her a look and she backs down instantly.

She doesn’t like this Ellie who looks terrified of her. She wants the version back that she knows, who makes bad jokes and who she could never stop from flirting with her when they were alone together. Not that she wants Ellie flirting with her anymore, she reminds herself, but that’s a cardboard kind of lie.

“This will hurt,” she warns her, before dousing a bandage in alcohol and pressing it to her wounds. Ellie hisses and curses and doubles over, rocking back and forth, but Dina keeps pressure to it. She pulls it away, wiping the area dry gently.

Next is the cream. She uses it sparingly most of the time, but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t waste a little extra on Ellie. She covers the raw ends of her fingers’ stumps, then the healing bite with a little more than she needs. She remembers how Ellie told her that her bite, her first one, had itched as it healed, how a lot of the worst scars were from her scratching it. Maybe this one wouldn’t scar.

She doesn’t want to think about how Ellie’s hands are rougher now, or maybe hers are softer. She wraps the bandage quickly but neatly- this, she had practice at.

“Got any others I should know about?”

“A couple.” Ellie never used to admit to being injured. Now, she pulls up the side of her sweater, and there’s a horrifying scar carved into her torso. It’s red and jagged and somehow looks much worse than her fingers. The stitches look like a child’s shaky patchwork. Dina bites her lip to keep tears from filling her eyes and nods shortly. “This is the worst one,” Ellie says casually.

“Shirt off, let’s take a closer look.”

Ellie obliges. God, she’s worn thin now. Dina can see her ribs poking out and her hip bones jutting out from the top of her jeans and part of her aches for the round-faced girl she fell in love with.

“Lie down.”

She does. Dina is careful with her hands, pressing gently around her stomach and stopping whenever she hears her whimper.

“Who the fuck stabbed you?”

Ellie laughs humourlessly. “A tree.”

“Quit fucking around, Ellie.”

“I'm not,” she insists. “I got caught in this stupid trap and I slammed into a tree branch and got fucking impaled.”

“And let me guess, you stitched it yourself?”

“Yeah.”

Typical Ellie.

Dina shakes her head. “They’ve gotta come out. They’re gross, Ellie.”

“I thought you liked my scars,” Ellie jokes, almost smiling. Dina glares at her, and that shuts her up.

“The stitches are dirty,” she mutters as she threads a new needle. “If you get an infection here in your belly, or if it hits one of your major organs, there’s nothing we can do for you, you’ll just fucking die.”

She laughs. “I can only hope.” Dina hits her arm hard, and Ellie looks up at her, surprised.

“Stop fucking making those jokes.” She snips out the old janky stitches, gentler than she wants to be, and wipes it down with alcohol. Ellie curses loudly, kicking the bed underneath her.

Dina starts to stitch it back up. It looks alright, if a little swollen. She’ll probably be fine, but Ellie was right- it’ll scar again. It hurts to think there are scars Dina doesn’t know now, that she won’t be able to help with. She had spent so long memorizing her and her body, and now everything about her felt like it had changed.

“Dina,” Ellie starts. “I really am sorry.”

“For what?”

Ellie yelps at the next needle poke. “Well, everything, but right now, the bar. I didn’t think she was- you know, after me. I wouldn’t have gone home with her or anything anyway.” Dina wants to cut her off again. She doesn’t, though. Ellie continues.

“I mean it. As for the rest… what I did was a mistake and no matter what you want me to do, I need you to know I never stopped loving you. If you want me to never see you again-” her voice cracks- “I will, I’ll go away. But I can’t stop this. I understand that you don’t want me back and that’s okay, I understand why. I just wanted to say I regret it and I’m sorry because I’ll always love you.”

Dina’s hand pauses before she ties up the last stitch. It’s shaking. She won’t look at Ellie, she won’t, and she won’t cry either. She ties it, closing her eyes and taking one heavy breath

“Sit up,” she whispers. Ellie sits up. “It’s not… it’s not that I don’t love you.” Ellie’s eyes widen slightly. “It’s just that I can’t trust you right now. I’m sorry I yelled at you, but after what you did I cannot trust you the way I used to. If you left again, JJ won’t forget it this time. I won’t be able to live through that again. You’ve got no proof that you won’t run away in the middle of the night again, after Abby or anyone else.”

“I won’t.” Ellie sounds like she’s begging. “I swear on whatever you want, I’d never do that again.”

“How do I know that, other than your word?”

Ellie pauses before reaching for her bag, which she’d dropped on the floor. She pulls out two books, only one of which Dina recognizes.

“You don’t have to, but I’d like for you to see these,” she mumbles, almost embarrassed. “That one’s my journal-” the brown leather book in better condition- “and that’s something I found in Salt Lake on the way home.” The other is slightly larger, some kind of medical text. Dina picks that up first.

“I have this condition, apparently.” The margins are filled with jot notes and doodles, most in Ellie’s looping hand. “Uh, PTSD. It stands for post traumatic stress disorder. Basically, all the messed up shit that happened to me changed the way my brain deals with life. It’s still living in survival mode, even when I should know I’m safe. That’s why I have nightmares and flashbacks and why I do stupid shit sometimes and just hope it kills me. Sometimes I make bad decisions because of it.”

“You’re blaming this on a condition you’ve got?” She’s not going to cry here, not now. Ellie’s made notes of her life- every waking nightmare next to an explanation of flashbacks, her road trip with Joel scribbled into a question above a paragraph about childhood trauma. “You’re trying to tell me you can’t help it, then, so it’s not your fault?”

“No, no, it- what I do is still my fault. I’m not going to blame anything or anyone but me. I just-” she scratches at the bandages idly, and Dina moves her hand away from it. “It says I can get  _ better _ , Dina. I won’t always be like this. I’ve been trying some of the stuff it says, like this.” She flips to a page, something about expression instead of repression, and runs her hand along it. “I think it’s working. I think I can be a good person again, and if you’ll let me, I want to prove that for you.”

“You weren’t a bad person, Ellie-”

“I acted like one. The journal, on the other hand, that’s- just read it for me. That’s the best way I can explain where my head was back there.”

It feels like Ellie’s cut out her heart and laid it in her hands. She’s never read her journals before, not even when they were living together, not even when they were children. It felt too precious, too much to ask, no matter how much they loved each other. There were just walls they didn’t cross.

“I’d like you to tell me what happened after I left,” Ellie starts.

“I can’t do that.”

“You don’t have to, but I know you can. I want to know everything you have to say. Tell me how you felt. I don’t care if it hurts me, alright? Just- please tell me. I’ve got to know.” The unspoken hangs between them:  _ maybe then I can start to build from it, and maybe someday fix it for you _ .

So she does, against all common sense.

Dina tells her everything. How she couldn’t drag herself out of bed in the mornings, how JJ had cried for weeks and she could only soothe him using one of her shirts as a blanket, how she had been so angry at first she would’ve hit Ellie if she’d come home. She says out loud, for the first time, how much it hurt to know Ellie didn’t seem to love her enough to stay. How it felt like nobody ever did. Ellie never says a word the whole time, just watches with sad eyes and nods along slowly.

When she’s finally done, Ellie wipes her eyes and smiles. She doesn’t say anything for a moment, letting it sink in.

“I still want you,” Dina whispers. “I’m still so in love with you that it hurts some nights. I don’t want you to leave me again.” She starts to cry again, quietly, muffling it behind her hand. Her whole body shakes.

“Is it okay if I hug you?” She’s barely finished the sentence before Dina nods frantically with a choking cry and reaches out for her.

This is what she’s wanted for months now, to be here again, just sitting with her and being comforted by her. Ellie’s hug is tight and she cradles the back of Dina’s head close. She gives her quiet reassurance and rocks her back and forth like a child as she sobs loudly and balls her fists into her soft naked chest. She lets her cry. She kisses the top of Dina’s head hesitantly and Dina starts sobbing all over again because for a minute, it’s like she never left.

When she’s tapering off, Ellie lets her go again, folding her hands in her lap with her right on top in a way she never did before.

“Don’t ever leave me again,” Dina manages, wiping her face with her sleeve.

“Never again,” Ellie promises, and her teary eyes are like fire with resolve.

She ends up lying down on the mattress in the late summer chill, and Ellie turns to go.

“I said don’t leave.” Her words are small and a lot less of a joke than she intended. Ellie immediately drops the bag and sits back down, and Dina pulls her until she’s lying down with her.

“You said you’d do whatever I want,” Dina starts. “Then just stay with me tonight and pretend like nothing’s wrong. Just tonight.”

She knows it’s not right, probably not healthy, but she wants this so badly she can feel it gnawing at her. Ellie’s smile grows teary and she nods, pulling Dina into her arms. It’s the way they used to sleep, facing each other, as close as they could get.

“And what about tomorrow?” Ellie asks hesitantly.

“I want to try again,” Dina states firmly, before she can find the common sense to back out. “I still want you, but we can’t just go back like this never happened. You still have to prove to me you’ll be okay and I can trust you. Start small.”

“Anything.” Her green eyes are so full of hope, and maybe a bit of excitement. She really did mean everything she said, Dina thinks.

“So, friends again?” Ellie asks. Dina considers this before responding.

“I don’t think I can handle just trying to be friends with you again,” she mumbles, thinking of the woman at the bar as jealousy spirals in her gut. “Do you want to go on a date with me instead, start there?”

“Yes.” Her answer is so immediate it almost cuts Dina off, and she gives a teary laugh that shudders through both of them as she pulls her closer, sighing into her hair. “God, do I.”

There’s silence for a moment where it’s just them smiling at each other and the sounds from outside and the comfort of the room.

“Thank you so, so much,” Ellie whispers. “I don’t deserve you. I’m gonna make it up to you if it kills me.”

“Ellie,” she says seriously. “I’m going to kiss you right now.”

Ellie doesn’t even respond, just nods, wide-eyed, and Dina does. Ellie’s lips are chapped and they are both so sweaty by now and it is long and sweet and perfect. She wants to stay here forever, in the moment she’s waited for for the loneliest year of her life. She pulls away and settles back into her arms, hiding her grin into the harsh line of Ellie’s collarbone.

Another moment of quiet follows before Ellie pipes up again.

“So I’m your wife now?” She can hear the smirk in her voice. It’s relieving, falling back into banter with her. Ellie is making good on her promise of pretending everything is fine. “That’s what you said at the bar: ‘get your hands off my  _ wife _ ’. I don’t remember being consulted about that.”

“Make it up to me and we’ll see,” Dina retorts. “But… yes.” She softens her tone. “I want you to be if you can.” Ellie smiles shyly and nods.

“I’ll read the journal tomorrow,” Dina promises. “Come by Robin and Jamie’s for six.”

“I’ll be there.”

In the morning, Ellie is gone, but she’s left things on the nightstand for Dina. Her journal, the other book she’d written in and a note torn straight from her journal’s back pages. Ellie thanks her again, and she says it three times in true Ellie fashion- she had always been so shocked when someone forgave her, even as children.

_ You mean so, so much to me. This is so much more than I deserve, and I’m going to make sure I never hurt you again, not even by accident. I want you to be happy forever, and I’ll do anything to make that happen. I love you.  _ ~~_ Am I allowed to say that before the first date? _ ~~ _ I love you so much, D. Always have. See you tonight. Say hi to the potato for me. If it’s not too much, can I see him too sometime soon? I’ve missed you guys. _

There’s still doubt in Dina, but it’s small and bitter now, and she can handle it softly and put it away for a while if she wants. There might be no way to know yet if she’s making the right choice, but when she thinks of Ellie it hurts that little bit less, and when she sees her that night at six it feels the way it used to. For now, she thinks, this will be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like now i need to give a fair disclaimer on that ending: this isn't how i think things would go for them, and it isn't really how i think it should go either. i think it would (and probably should!) take months to years for them to heal and even come close to reconciling after everything that happened. that being said... wouldn't it be nice if it was this easy, tho?
> 
> with that aside, this one's all done!! i hope the payoff was worth the buildup, that the wait was worth it and that i kept the characters at least decently in character- between ellie getting to not be allergic to talking about her feelings and trying to flesh out dina and her insecurities a little more, that was a bit of a worry.
> 
> as mentioned last chapter and in all my fics to date: if you want to yell at/with me, i go by the same username on tumblr, and comments here/asks + messages there always brighten my day <3

**Author's Note:**

> ... oof. sorry to leave you hanging like this, but i hope the next one will make up for it. i promised a happy ending, so a happy ending they shall get!... next week.
> 
> you probably know the spiel by now: if you want to yell at/with me, i go by the same username on tumblr, and if you'd like to comment or shoot me an ask it would always make my day <3


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